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Co Dependency Article
Co-Dependency and our relationships
The Problem with Co-Dependency
Co-Dependency in a relationship can be a major obstacle. Being dependent on your beloved for your own sense of self-worth and happiness places undue pressure on the one who loves you most.
The Characteristics of Co-dependency
When we are born we have basic needs that in a normal healthy family are met and fulfilled. Besides are basic needs we also need love, acceptance, trust, recognition, safety, companionship, joy freedom of expression.
The more dysfunctional our family of origin is, the more these needs our not met. If a child is wounded and these basic needs are not met by the family of origin, the child becomes overwhelmed with pain. The more the child needs are not met, the more the child becomes preoccupied by others behaviors and needs and the child goes into hiding. The false self, emerges. this self is incapable of getting his or her needs met.
As an adult, their own needs and true feelings get ignored. At times the child inside still has to get these needs met and will come bursting out and this can result in binges of depression, rage addictions or actions that hurt themselves or someone else. So co-dependent issues are formed in childhood as a result of are needs not being met. As a result these are some of the problems that co-dependents suffer from.
1. Assuming that they are responsible for others feelings and behavior.
2. Difficulty with identifying their own emotions such as anger, sadness, or happiness and have difficulty expressing these feelings and emotions.
3. Fear and worry about how others will respond if they do express their feelings.
4. Difficulty forming and maintaining close relationships.
5. Tremendous fear of being hurt or being rejected.
6. Suffering from perfectionism and place to many expectations on themselves and others.
7. Difficulty making decisions.
8. Seemingly unaware that it is okay to be vulnerable, to ask for help.
9. Placing other peoples wants and needs before their own.
10. Judging everything they do, think or say, by other peoples standards, nothing is done or said, or thought good enough.
11. Inability to acknowledge good things about themselves.
The Causes of Co-Dependency
Co-Dependency effects children who grew up in a family where there was neglect and abuse. Because are needs for respect, protection, trust, safety, loving touch were not met. There are three major wounds that create so much pain and fear in are lives that we loss trust in ourselves and look to the outside for are happiness.
Shame is the feeling that there is something basically wrong or bad with us. There are many voices that come with shame. They tell us that everything we do or feel or need is not okay. Shame comes because we were told that are basic needs, feelings and drives were wrong. Shame keeps us crippled.
Shock and Fear.
There are three forms of defense available to us, fight, flight and shock. As a child we could not fight because are parents were too big and strong. We could not run because we were totally dependent. So we froze this was are only option. This is called shock.
Abandonment comes in many forms. The strongest version is when the parent leaves or dies. But it also comes when parents do not touch us with love and care. When they are abusive. When they use the child for their own needs.
The key to healing these wounds and getting over Co-Dependency is to begin to find the true child within and begin to learn how to start meeting that child's needs. By discovering how to meet those needs we are re-learning how to love.
The Resolution for Co-Dependency
Resolving these issues will go a long way in assuring you and your beloved that undue pressure upon him or her will no longer be a issue. To ignore Co-Dependency tendencies may indicate that you are not willing to deal with those things that very well might prove to be the seeds of destruction in your love
relationships. On the other hand, facing these same problems can bring personal healing and further closeness between you and your mate.
The best gift that you can bring your beloved is a whole being who is not fettered by a need to be too dependent or to distant to him or her. Resolving the Co-Dependency issue will mean much to your experiencing the love for yourself and others that is your birth right.
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